He didn't had seen it come in any way. Hangeng never mentioned it
before. Never. But when they made their promotions in China he could
at least have foreseen it, when Hangeng had taken so many clothes
with him. But he was blind back then. Thinking Hangeng would never
leave him or Super Junior. He was so blind..
He sighed at the half emptied room when he opened the door and sneaked
in. How long was he alone now? Heechul thought about it for a moment.
Even after two years now he never got used to this sight. This empty
bed, and the empty shelf and all the memories which still remained.
In the beginning it was very hard. He barely could sleep in his bed
or even be in their room. No. It wasn't “their room” anymore. It
was his room now. And it seemed like everyone was expecting him to be
happy about this fact. It seemed like they were waiting for him to
buy new furniture and stuff, making the room all his. But even after
the two years now that Hangeng had left, the room still remained the
same. He never touched Hangeng's bed or sat on it. Not for once. But
now looking at all these pictures of the two of them, from shootings
or even private photos.. He felt sick. His heart felt like a big,
heavy stone still missing Hangeng. And so Heechul remembered in a
second why he had buried all these pictures under his bed all the
time. Because he didn't wanted to be reminded of his time with
Hangeng. All their wonderful times, drinking in their room while
still half of Super Junior was still to young for that and laughing
at ridiculous stuff, sleeping together cuddled up against each
other.. And then all his memories where to much for him to take
anymore and the tears began to roll down his smooth cheeks. How was
it possible for someone to be such a crybaby over something like
that? He thought while whipping away his tears angrily.
Heechul pushed the box with the pictures back under the bed and stood up,
grabbing a pencil and a piece of paper. Maybe he just had to write a
letter to Hangeng and asking him if he wanted their pictures or
writing down how angry he was, or write instead of that just
anything. But not a single word wanted to come to his mind and so he
just threw the paper and the pencil to the side and went angry to
sleep.
His dreams were all about Hangeng and his beautiful smile. His smooth
hair and weird way of talking in Korean. Every time he woke up from
one of those dreams that night, he just sobbed hard into the pillow
before he clenched his fist and pushed it hard against the mattress.
Heechul had just fallen asleep two hours before, when he woke up to
the loud screams and yelling of his fellow band members. Heechul
hadn't even the time to ask himself what might was going on outside,
when the door flung open wide and Leeteuk came in with a wide grin.
“Still pretending to sleep? Come on! Get up! I have a big surprise for you
Chullie~”, he said in a sing-sang voice and opened the curtains. “I
don't want to hear it.”, was all that Heechul replied moody. “But
Chullie~ Come on! We have 2 weeks vacation and you and me will go for
a very special vacation! All you have to say is: 'Yes Jungsu! I'm
really glad you invited me and take me to JAPAN for some winter
holiday trip!' Sounds good, don't you think?”, he asked again with
enthusiasm. But Heechul still remained quiet for a moment and then he
said quickly. “No.”, and turned in his bed so he could face the
wall. “But Chullie~ .. It's me! Your only hyung.. Can you really
say no to my demand?”, but all he got was another simple “No.”
“Listen Jungsu.. Yes you are my only hyung – That's true. But all I want to
do is lay here and catch some sleep after I had a very horrible night
without much sleep. So all you should do, to get out of this room
alive, is to close the curtains again and leave quick and quiet.”
It went quiet for a moment and when he heard the fabric of Leeteuk's
trousers ruffle, he believed for a brief moment that he had won. But
Heechul was so totally wrong. He heard some zipper open and then the
doors of his closet were opened. “Do you want to take your blue
jacket as well as the red one with you? Or do you prefer the yellow
one?”, he heard Leeteuk ask while he packed his suitcase.
“Seriously Jungsu. I'm not going with you on this shitty trip to
Japan! I hate snow, I hate planes, I hate everything. So just leave
me alone and take everyone with you. I don't want to see anyone for
the next two weeks. Really I'm getting angry with you Jungsu, even if
you're my only hyung here!”, but Leeteuk seemed to ignore his angry
yelling and keeped packing his stuff until his suitcase was nearly
overloaded. And all that Heechul could do was letting out a deep sigh
and getting out of bed. “You're doing it totally wrong..”,
Heechul hissed and pushed Leeteuk aside to pack all the stuff
properly so he could close his suitcase in one fluent move.
“Wow! Chullie look! It's just so great! All the snow and the mountains and
all the hot springs around here!”, said Leeteuk overloaded with joy
when he got out of the car. But Heechul seemed not to be happy in any
way. He was just glad to be alive, after Leeteuk's horrible driving
skills, he thought a moment about calling Siwon back in Korea and ask
him about some prayers. But then he shock his head and got out of the
car too. “Very wonderful. I hate snow. Can we go inside now? I'm
tired to hell and all I want to do since you got me out of bed to
early this morning is sleeping. So can we go now?”, he asked ever
again and was on his way inside when he recognized someone through
the big window of the hotel. He stared for a brief moment before he
blinked. But when he opened his eyes again, the man he had recognized
was gone. Maybe it was the lack of sleep or he just got dizzy from
the horrible car drive, but he thought he had just seen a man that
looked like Hangeng. Not like his Hangeng, but like the Hangeng he
saw on magazine covers or at Chinese television lately pretty often.
On their way to the big and luxurious hotel room, all he could think
about was this stranger who had just looked like Hangeng. But could
it really be? He hadn't even seen his face. Maybe it was just some
random Chinese man who came to this expensive place to do some winter
sport or just relax or anything! Heechul blamed it all on his lack of
sleep, but this whole Hangeng stuff was getting him in an even darker
mood. “Jungsu.. I'm going to sleep now. So don't even try to find a
way to distract me again!”, he said angrily when he walked directly
to the big bed. But when Heechul turned around to face Leeteuk one
last time, sending him a angry glare because he didn't answered him,
he found him rummage around in his suitcase. “Oh no Jungsu! I'm not
going with you out into the snow. I hate snow. And I hate sledding,
and on top of that I hate going sledding with you! You are the worst
driver in the world, so why do you think I should be out of mind
enough to go sledding with you?! That would be like suicide!”,
Heechul said furious. But seeing Leeteuk pout all the time made him
feel sad. Maybe.. Just a little bit..? No. Seriously no. What was he
thinking? Everything was like suicide when it included Leeteuk and
something that had a set of wheels or was able to glide on snow. So
why should he give in? This pout was going to make him insane...
“JUNGSU THIS IS SO INSANE! I'M NOT SLEDDING WITH YOU DOWN THIS FUCKING
HILL!!! NO. NEVER. FORGET IT.”, he yelled at Leeteuk as he felt him
grabbing his wrist. “OH NO!! FORGET IT!”, he yelled again. But he
had no chance against Leeteuk. When had he gotten that strong? Or was
it Heechul's inner self demanding that it could be some fun sledding
down that... hill? It was much more than a hill. It was a mountain.
It was … So fucking high, and it had taken them more than 20
minutes to walk. And now? Now he was standing there, in the middle of
kids with Leeteuk besides him and about to slide directly into death.
Sure, it wasn't that much of a problem for all those kids. Because
they wouldn't be on the sled with Leeteuk, the worst driver since...
EVER.
And then he was on the sled in front of Leeteuk and they were sliding
down this fucking hill. And beneath all the screaming and the tight
grip from Leeteuk's arm around his waist he saw this man again. His
eyes widened for a moment, before he tried to turn around to see the
mans face. But that was the moment he feared the most. Seeing the
mans face. He was afraid to gain the certainty, that this stranger
was not Hangeng, but just a random Chinese man, who used to look like
Hangeng from the back. And so he pressed his eyes shut.
“That was fun! Wasn't it? Let's get up for another round?”, said Leeteuk
in his usual sing-sang voice from behind and squeezed Heechul a bit
more. But all he could think about right now was this man. This
fucking man. Who was he? And why does he had to be around all the
time? And why couldn't he not once see his face properly? Why didn't
he want to see his face properly? This hole
Japan-holiday-would-be-so-fun-trip was so insane. And Heechul seemed
to get even more insane with this man all around him. “Yea yea..
That was fun. And now I'm going back to take a nap or a hot shower..
or anything which doesn't contain SNOW.”, he yelled trying to sound
angry. But all he could think about all the time was this man without
a face. This man without a name or a identity. This man who seemed to
be Hangeng, but probably wasn't more than a normal guy. And with this
he walked away quickly before Leeteuk could even respond anything.
Even after a long hot shower and wearing his favorite sweater and jeans he
felt not a single bit better than before. His mind was still filled
up with this mysterious man. And hearing the constantly running
shower from Leeteuk made him sleepy again. And so he drifted off to
his own little dreamland. A dreamland where Hangeng was still with
him and the others. Where everything was still alright and SM
Entertainment was a caring and good paying company. So it truly was a
dreamland. He woke up to the touch of a gentle hand on his cheek.
“Hey Chullie... Wake up..”, he heard Leeteuk's soft voice. “I
made a reservation at the little but famous restaurant down the
street.. So get up, so that we can go and eat something.”, he said
softly. But Heechul was not able to get up in the first place. His
head was dizzy and he was afraid that he had catch a cold. “I'm not
feeling like eating something..”, he mumbled harsh into the pillow.
“Oh come on Chullie.. Don't be such a mess. Get up and come with
me.”, he said a bit angry. It wasn't normal for Leeteuk to get
angry about anything easily, so Heechul was a bit wondrous. “No
seriously Jungsu.. I don't want to go and eat at a restaurant.”, he
said more softly now. But he could hear Leeteuk breath in sharply.
“Okay. So lay in this fucking bed and be a fucking mess that's
totally okay with me. But I don't get your problem. What's wrong with
you? Whats wrong with the Heechul I know for so long now? Can you
tell me? Can you tell me what is going on in your messy head? Instead
of laying in this fucking hotel room you could go out and have fun
like you were used to. In front of this fucking hotel room might be
the key to everything that is glorious, but you just want to lay here
and be a mess? Then I will be okay with that. Than I will be totally
okay with that.”, he said furious.
Heechul had his scarf pushed up over his nose and was looking at the snow on
the sidewalk all the time. He was avoiding eye contact with Leeteuk
all the time. It was the most embarrassing thing in the world. Siting
face to face with Leeteuk in this lovely and small restaurant.
Waiting for their dinner to come. Heechul was looking around, or out
of the window still trying to avoid Leeteuk's eyes. When he saw again
a man who exactly looked like Hangeng. Heechul caught his breath for
a moment. He could see a tiny bit of his side profile. And what he
saw made him even more breathless. Was he getting insane now? Was
this the end? The end of Kim Heechul? Passing away in a small
restaurant in a small town, overloaded with snow in the middle of
January? Passing away because there was a man looking like Hangeng?
His Hangeng? Oh he got so insane...
“Chullie.. You don't look very good.. You are totally pale! Is everything
alright?”, he heard Leeteuk's voice. But his brain was totally out
of oxygen. “I'm.. oka.. No. excuse me for a second..”, he
mumbled. Heechul got off of his chair and found his way to the
restroom like he was in a state of trance. On his way he brushed by
the foreign man. The Hangeng-man. But he was to afraid to take a
short look, to get sure if he was going to get insane and had to kill
himself in the toilet water. But he was to afraid and maybe to shy to
kill himself in the toilet water. What would that have made a bad
headline “Singer, actor and MC Kim Heechul from the very famous boy
group Super Junior drowned himself in the water of a toilet”. Oh
what a ugly headline. So he just splashed some water into his face
and got out of the restroom again. He wanted to quickly get back to
his seat. But his steps got more and more slowly when he neared the
table of the so foreign man. With his steps, also his breath got
shorter. And then he found himself standing still . And starring. He
wasn't taking a deep look. He was starring. Starring at a face that
was so familiar to him.
A face that was too familiar.
And then he began to laugh, to laugh like you would after hearing a good
joke from a friend. Or after you receive a good mark, when you expect
a bad one.
“Oh well.. I'm insane. That's for sure..!!”, Heechul said laughing and
went on, trying to take a step away from the table. But the man was
holding him tightly at his wrist. “Heechul..”, he heard the voice
from the other man. So melodic. So deep. So.. Hangeng-like. And it
caused him to shiver. To shiver in believe that this man was really
Hangeng and not just his ill imagination. “It's okay! I'm sorry. I
promised not to laugh about you anymore. I'm sorry.”, Heechul said
with a wary smile on his lips. Still thinking he was insane and this
was not Hangeng, but a stranger. And in a special way.. Wasn't it
exactly like that? Hadn't Hangeng become a total stranger to Heechul?
Not seeing him, not hearing his voice, not knowing what was going on
when he heard Hangeng had get back to China and would never ever be
part of Super Junior again. That he would never ever be part of his
life again. Hangeng had become a stranger and now Heechul was freeing
himself out of the harsh grip on his wrist. “It's okay.. Just.. Let
me.. alone. Okay. It's okay.”, he repeated himself over and over
again.
Quick steps got him back to his seat where Leeteuk was now getting up and
examining him with his gaze. “Whats wrong Chullie?”, he asked
anxious. “As if you didn't know! This was your plan? Wasn't it? You
brought him here, didn't you?! TELL ME JUNGSU! .. Oh I'm getting so
insane.. So.. insane..”, and than there was this grip on his wrist
again. Heechul turned around and was nearly face to face with
Hangeng. He could feel his breath brush over his cheeks. “Oh no..
I'm not going to participate in your dirty little game. Bringing me
up this fucking hill - in fucking Japan with - all this fucking snow.
And then there is SUDDENLY AFTER TWO YEARS Hangeng! Oh no. I'm going
back to my bed now!”, he yelled at them both at the same time and
was grabbing his jacket and scarf. “Chullie wait a second! Please!
Let me explain that to you.. please!”, he heard Leeteuk demand one
last time. And then he turned around for the last time. When
Hangeng's hand reached for his own he grabbed the plate and threw it
to the floor angrily. Bringing more distance to them. “I'm going
now. Enjoy your meal!”, he yelled furious and was leaving. He ran
up the hill back to their hotel room and locked the door behind him.
“It's okay Chullie.. It's okay.. Everything is alright.. Just
relax.. Just relax.”, he reminded him over and over again. And so
he went to bed, telling himself over and over again that everything
was alright and when he would get up in the morning he would fly back
to Korea.
When he woke up it was almost midday and he slowly crawled out of his bed.
When he came back from the bathroom he recognized that Leeteuk wasn't
in the room at all. He remembered locking the door the night before,
and maybe Leeteuk was sleeping in the hallway, waiting for him to
calm down and let him back in again. But Heechul had no intention in
staying any longer at this awful place, so he got packing his stuff
quickly and went to the door. But as he opened it and was about to
step out of the room, there was not Leeteuk in front of the door as
he had expected it, but Hangeng. Looking at him with tired and
swollen eyes. Heechul stopped in his motion and stiffed immediately.
Without saying anything he got up to meet him at the same level, but
Heechul was avoiding eye contact just immediately. “I'm going back
to Korea now. Nice to see you again. Greet Jungsu from me. Goodbye.”,
he said hard with an stiff expression, while he tried to close the
door without backing in again. “Heechul that's.. childish.”, was
all that Hangeng said. Tried Hangeng to provoke him with this
statement? But Heechul pulled himself together and went pass Hangeng
down the hallway. Hangeng was still standing when he heard him say
“We haven't seen us for years now! And Jungsu told me how depressed
you were! So why are you running away now without even greeting me
properly? It wasn't easy for me to come here to meet you guys!”,
had Hangeng's Korean improved? Or was it just that it sounded so soft
and lovely to his ears.. But he collected his thoughts and turned to
face him. “Childish? Who are YOU to tell ME that I'm childish? That
I'm running away! Who ran away? Who didn't even told me a single time
about his plans to leave? Huh?! I think it was you! IT WAS YOU WHO
RAN AWAY AND WAS LETTING ME DOWN BACK THEN ON THE SUPER SHOW TOUR! I
came back to our dorm and I was alone. I was alone in this fucking
room, I was alone when we went out to eat, I was every fucking time
alone, you had left me alone Hangeng!”, Heechul shouted at him
under heavy tears. Maybe it wasn't okay to be that nasty to Hangeng,
but anger and hurt was all he felt. He wanted nothing more than to
walk up the hallway and lean against Hangeng's surely warm and
comfortable chest. He wanted nothing more than to tell Hangeng that
he missed him and that his big but smooth hands would brush his
cheeks and free him from this nasty tears. How ridiculous he might
seemed now. Crying like a baby again over something that Hangeng
might felt sorry about, but what was no big deal after the two years.
Heechul buried his face into his hands and gave in to cry.
He could feel strong arms around his waist, tugging him tight to
Hangeng's warm chest. He smelled so wonderful, so familiar, it was
the smell Heechul loved so much, had missed so much. And then he
buried his face into the curve of his neck. Crying and sobbing into
Hangeng's skin and Shirt. He felt him slowly guiding back to his
room. Maybe he was right, crying and shouting on the hallway wasn't
that good of an idea. So he let Hangeng guide him back, closing the
door behind them and pulling him even a bit more close. He hold
Heechul tight until he stopped sobbing and was slowly pulling away
from Hangeng's chest.
“I'm sorry..”, he mumbled and turned to face the window. “Heechul
please.. Let me.. Let us talk about it. I know.. There are so many
things which still remain unsaid.. We should take this chance and..
You know. Talk about everything from face to face.”, Hangeng
demanded. Coming closer with every word he said. “There is
something important I need to tell you.”, Hangeng said softly
against Heechul's neck. He didn't needed to say anything. Heechul
knew what Hangeng was going to tell him. He had known it for so long
now. And he was afraid to hear it. But with Hangeng's lips in his
neck, like a gun to his head, he wasn't barely even able to breath.
So he just nodded in agreement and listened to Hangeng's soft words.
“It was to much pressure.. And I saw.. I just saw I wasn't good for you..
You were all the time with me and distracting yourself even more from
the others.. So I had to..”, Heechul had closed his eyes, still
listening to Hangeng's soft words in his neck. But his words seemed
more and more to become one. To be not noticed anymore. Hangeng's
lips were more and more touching his skin until he felt Hangeng
kissing his neck. Feeling him nibble at his soft skin, sucking,
licking.. Feeling him so close to something good. “Face me
Heechul.. Please let me see your eyes just once properly..”, he
demanded and Heechul was so close from running. Running before there
was no backdoor he could escape through. But he turned around. He
turned around to give Hangeng this willing look, to show him how
badly he had missed his lips and skin, his knowing touches and his
bad Korean words. He knew, it wouldn't take long, until the language
they spoke wouldn't matter anymore. Because their body language was
the same.
Heechul buried his fingers into Hangeng's hair. Pulling him closer, as their
lips met again and again. Since when was it such a satisfying
feeling to kiss someone? And since when was Hangeng such a good
kisser? But Heechul had no time to complain about this question.
Because Hangeng was pushing him back to the bed, twitching and
pulling at the corners of his shirt, pulling it off without any
minding. And that was the point when Heechul couldn't keep his hands
at himself anymore and he was pulling off Hangeng's shirt as well.
But the abs he revealed made him breathless for a moment. And all
Hangeng could do about it was give him a deep chuckle. “Didn't
remember them?”, he asked in a husky voice. But instead of an
answer Hangeng received a open mouthed kiss, his tongue dragging
against his lips hungrily.
It didn't took long until it was skin to skin. Heechul rubbing his
throbbing length against Hangeng's leg, moaning into his neck, while
Hangeng was busy with lubing his finger. It was months ago, years
ago.. He couldn't remember clearly when he had someone fucking him.
But right now was so much better then he could remember. Hangeng's
gentle fingers were pushing inside of him, sliding out and pushing
back in. Giving him all he ever wanted. It was a satisfying feeling.
It felt right, it felt good. And Hangeng pushing deep inside him, was
such a heart splitting feeling. Heechul didn't care about the pain
which racked through his body, all that mattered was the both of
them.
Heechul was cuddled up against Hangeng's warm and soft skin. The thick
blankets covering their sweaty bodies. Was this how it should have
been? Would it have been the same if Hangeng had stayed within SM
Entertainment? And how were they supposed to go on from now on? There
were so much questions running through Heechul's dizzy head. But
Hangeng's kisses spoke about promises, about never letting go. And
Heechul was okay with that. He was okay with the feeling of being
complete now.
“And Jungsu, you're sure they are going to make up? I mean.. You know how
troublesome Heechul can be sometimes!”, Yesung said a little bit
suspicious. “Nah~ Jongwoon-ah. I'm pretty sure.. Now wanna sled
with me?”, he asked the men with a innocent grin on his face. “Oh
no Jungsu.. I think.. I pass this time.. Why don't you ask Youngwoon
instead?”, Yesung sounded a bit more afraid now. “I'm not that
bad driver you know guys!”, Leeteuk replied a bit sharp and went to
sled on his own. All that Yesung could mutter to himself, after
Leeteuk crushed into a tree and everybody ran to his aid, was that it
sometimes was a good point to be the weird one and not the clumsy.
