Rebirthing

Hot damn! Ich hatte ganz vergessen, dass ich ja noch dein neues Kapitel kommentieren wollte - gut, dass ich heute mal wieder auf meinem Steckbrief war! -.-
Was die Sache mit dem Übersetzen angeht: Machst du das schulisch/studientechnisch oder freizeit-/hochladetechnisch? Übersetzen finde ich persönlich ja viel schwerer als einfaches fiction writing, weil es viele Satzstrukturen im Deutschen ja so gar nicht gibt wie im englischen (und umgekehrt). Deshalb ist das immer eine besonders kniffilige Sache.

So, für's erste durchlesen hat's mir sehr gut gefallen, vor allem natürlich das Wortspiel mit Give/take. Wenn das später nochmal mit sexuellen Anspielungen kommen sollte, gibt's wirklich was zu lachen.
Hier meine Beobachtungen aus Runde zwei:

>>none of the cashier or the security guards payed much attention<<
Ich bin mir nicht sicher, ob du das mit 'none' so konstruieren kannst, ich hab's jedenfalls noch nie so gelesen. Alternativ - auch, wenn's vielleicht nicht so gut klingt - wäre: "not the cashier nor the security guards".
Ach ja, und ganz böser Fehler mit >>Payed<</"paid" - aber das ist dir sicher gerade selbst schon aufgefallen.
Die Formulierung >>where the action startet<< mag ich auch nicht wirklich, das klingt sehr 'offen'. Besser wäre vielleicht "where the action took place".

resemblence "to" und nicht >>with<<.
>> He showed it to Kiba, each of them would watch the back for the other one.<<
Wie wär's mit "... and they would watch each other's back while pulling off their game"? Würde den Satz ein bisschen entzerren.
Ich meine übrigens, dass du ein bisschen viel Present in diesem Abschnitt verwendest, aber der Eindruck kann subjektiv sein.

Naja, possesive s bzw. apostroph bei >>strangers houses<<.

>>Well, the same procedure as every visit...<< Is that just me or does this sound an awfully lot like Ms. Sophie and James? xD
Kein subjekt und Prädikat in diesem Satz, sehr telegrammstil-mäßig. Das irrtiert ein wenig beim LEsefluss.
>>... looked down on him doubtfully.<< Don't think so. Meintest du vielleicht "suspiciously"? Oder "warily/leery/distrustfully"?

>>"I waited for the day I get my hands on you..."<<
Eh, just NO. Ich sehe keinen Sinn in dem simple Past - klingt auch für dich merkwürdig, oder? "have been waiting ... I could get..." klingt besser, nicht wahr?

He >>blushed flashily<<. woot? Haha, dein Bild ist echt originell, aber war das auch so beabsichtigt? 'blitzartig'? xD

And I definitely like the last paragraph. Duh.
Gruß,
Yama^^

I get the feeling, you're not quite understanding the meaning of "hardly". It is in no way connected to the adjective "hard", but means "pretty" in the way of "a little bit more than almost, supportive of the existence of something, but reducing the verb. Like: "he was hardly hungry" means "He wasn't hungry at all" and "he could harly stand" means "he was in danger or falling to the ground at every second". Okay? You use it disturbingly often. And in all different kind of meanings. oô
Well, at least I'm thrilled that there are some more writers, who dedicate their work to the English language. And do so on animexx, the last place you would search for such a thing. Do you post at fanfiction.net, too?

My guess for the story: Naruto x Sasuke, who is a vampire and lusts after Naruto's sweet tasting blood. Congrats on plotting.

So, on to the first two lines. I like your comparison - sounds good -, but there's no sense for grammar. You just can't connect these two sentences by just a comma, you need a dot.
The next paragraph: "panicking outburst" -> you personalise the outburst, which is strange, but I like the picture you get out of it. It creates the mental image of an equalizer in my head and I love that, it's innovative.
But "a thing sitting there"? What the hell! It makes you think of aliens, flee and goofy parrots, but not at all of a vampire bite (I guess, that's implied?). Please correct this, it's really... strange. -.-
I'd echange the words "accept" and "glass" in the next paragraph, if I was in your stead, I don't think they really fit. Other than that good work with alluring the reader through pictures so far...

The train of thought about the whole biting-thing is a little suddenly and out of place. You need more connections before. Like: Let him try to wash to blood from his neck and notice biting marks (normal teeth?) so he can mutter about biting. Or start with his incredulity towards the person who bit him (I assume Sasuke). Like 'What a freak!' and so on... Sounds more like Naruto and pulls the reader in to his next thoughts.

Oh yeah, "dark, husky voice" immediatelly rings some warning bells. Association: Sasuke, Uchiha, Vampire, clubs... I don't see fit to use it on a bystander character, who's not important to the story. Except you want to show that the whole club is run and visited by vamps only. But they certainly wouldn't catch a first aid kit, now would they?

Some grammar issues towards the end.
All in all. Not quite subtle and smooth, but interesting place to start your story and definitely catching the reader's attention.
greetz,
Yama