Bitter Laugh

"If I were to die today, what would become of you?"

I had never been so afraid of death like back then. I couldn't imagine to die, because I couldn't bear the fact that I would have to leave my brother alone.

But. That wasn't my biggest fear.
The biggest fear of me was that I was left alone in this cold world by my dearest brother. I was afraid of what I would become. I was afraid of being lonely. I was afraid of existing.

"I love you...so I don't want you to hate the world. Love God and the people with all your heart. Fill your and their life with your cordial and warm laugh..."

My brother said that to me. He was able to love the world. Even when the world had given him such a cruel destiny.
I couldn't do that. I tried to. And I still can't. He wished me to do the impossible.