Black Past

Bravely try, at least I have to say you're so cute, u know?

I don't wanna to discourage you, so I remain silent about your grammar, I think this would be not the main thing you should focus on right now.
Let's see what we can do:

I think the valid point is that you just try to translate the german sentence directly into the english ones, but don't observe any grammar structure by that.
What, at least, is kinda funny to read but makes less sense.
If I would be able to spend time for that, I would offer you the ability to send me the chapters so that i can read through, of course, but honestly I haven't time for that, tragically.
Anyway, maybe you be able to find somebody in your surrounding who can play this part for me. *smirk*

You may think it wouldn't be that important, but in my opinion it would change that whole thing, because know it's kinda amusing to read but of course not the type of entertaining you hoped for, or even your readers.
All in all I have to say it's a good idea, so why not, don't let bring yourself down by confusing, english grammar files, just get you somebody who is willing to help you a little bit with the more difficult parts and I be sure you'll rock that whole thing.

So, I hope you will go on with that story and maybe we will see us again in this case.

Good luck.

your tomato :P