Too bad it had to come this far von abgemeldet ================================================================================ Kapitel 1: ----------- For a long time already, there was no hot, no cold. No comfortable, no uncomfortable. There was no more starving, no more thirst. Not even the feeling of being tired or awake. There was nothing. No hope, no hopelessness. There was just a body, a nearly empty body. Eyes always closed head down. Ears almost deaf from forgetting how life sounded. There wasn't even anymore pain. It had been a few months now but they had felt like years. Years of lonelyness, of fear, of pain and desire to go back home, be safe again. But hope was lost soon after countless experiments torture and words. True words. Maybe the words had hurt the most. Traitor Liar Monster Murderer You are not human And after a while, he believed it. He believed everything, they said. He felt like, deep inside, they were right. And he felt like he deserved what they were doing to him. Bertholdt gave up his life soon. The only thing that mattered was to know Annie and Reiner were safe. His life didn't mean anything, anymore. But he had stopped thinking for a while now. Only his body was there completely chained to the cold, wet wall of his prison. A piece of metal between his teeth. Saliva had stopped flowing down for a while since his mouth was too dry. Bertholdt always was skinnier than Reiner but now he was just skin and bones. His titan shifting abilities hadn't stopped yet which was responsible for his wounds healing directly so there wasn't even a single scar. Bertholdt totally had lost his sense for the time. He didn't know how much time had passed, he didn't know if it was night or day. But he didn't care anymore. It simply didn't matter. He was at the point he wished his life to end. Until that day. Suddenly there were sounds in his ears and it wasn't these casual sounds of blood pounding in his ears, before he even ignored that. It was multiple voices, things fallen to the ground and being destoyed, screams and shouts. Orders, names, painfull screams. There was a huge pressure and bustle in the air. But still there was nothing moving in his head. He didn't think about anything and the least he could thought of was his rescue. He never blamed Reiner for leaving him behind, after they rescued Annie and Bertholdt was captured instead. He was afraid as a kid but he was relieved Annie, their long time friend, was save finally, released of her pain and the peoples' nasty hands with their injections and fists beating her, asking questions she couldn't answer. They did the same to Bertholdt but he never opened his mouth to answer. He only screamed and he cried and he started begging after a while. But he never betrayed those he called home after all. Then there was a loud bashing sound followed by panting. Maybe a male. Golden eyes stared wide at the boy chained to the wall, the smell of enemy's blood mixed with his own sweat in the air. Bertholdt's ears caught the panting getting lower. His eyes were still closed until he heard his voice. A crying whisper. And as soon as the male came closer the louder his panting got again. "Bertholdt.", he whispered and the prisoner started searching his mind for this voice. "Bertholdt!", the voice then screamd and Bertholdt finally opened his eyes. Despite the bad light he looked right into a pair of golden eyes filled with tears before the male's bloody hand reached out to pull the metal from between Bertholdt's teeth then reached for the chains and with a grunt he tore them to pieces and the skinny boy fell into his arms. He knew Bertholdt was fragile at this point but he hugged his long time friend very thight without hesitating, whispering "I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry, Bertholdt. Forgive me, please." But Bertholdt wasn't able to respond. Forced by his weak body and the other boy's arms, he had buried his face into his shoulder and suddenly feelings came back. He had no control when he shed tears and closed his eyes again. Reiner, his mind murmured and the feeling of trust was back, as was the one called relief. "Let's get you outta here.", Reiner recommended and looked around with his friend still in his arms. It was even ridiculous to find the unused bed. Reiner took the blanket and gently wrapped the weak body into it before he rested Berthold on his shoulder. That was the last thing the prisoner was able to get until he fell into another deep, restless sleep. __________ "He looks terrible.", Annie said and pulled Reiner out of his thoughts. The blonde, muscled boy nodded and also looked to their friend who was wrapped into two sleeping bags near the fire. "You should have seen him in that cell. I first thought he already was dead until he opened his eyes." Reiner sighed and looked back into the fire. "He was always too soft for this. He is not a weak boy but he worries too much he thinks too much about what might go wrong." "You were the one the other kids called 'big brother', Reiner. Don't blame him for caring too much.", the blonde girl said still looking at Bertholdt. "That's not what I meant. He worries too much about us. Enough to let himself taken into custody in exchange for one of us.", Reiner continued and looked at Annie. "Wouldn't you?", she asked, used boredom in her voice. "And you, Annie..?", Reiner snapped at her. Both were silent for a moment when Reiner took the word again. "When we took Eren and Ymir, Armin told us they were torturing you and your screams were unbearable, Bertholdt got out of my protection screaming at them, threatening them. I mean I didn't see his face but I never felt so much hate in his voice. Because of you, Annie. And before he let his guard down to save me when I was fighting Eren." Annie suddenly felt ashamed and looked down at her lap while she pulled her legs close. She heard Reiner sigh again. "He loves us no matter what and we just let him down. I let him down." "No, you didn't. You came to safe him, didn't you? And I know he will be thankful and I know he won't ever say anything to judge you. No, he will always be thankful to you. Well you should tell him how you feel about this afterwards. When he's fine again." There was no responds from the bulky blonde. Instead he rested his head on his arms and looked into the darkness of the night. Everything was dark. Where was he? Home? No. In that cell? No! Where the hell was he?! "Hello?", Bertholdt asked and his voice echoed. "Anybody?.. Hello?" "Hello there." Bertholdt turned around to see who was responding but he couldn't see anyone. It still was too dark. He recognized the voice as a female's voice. Again he raised his own. "Hello? Who is this? That you, Annie?" "No. No, sweatheart, it's not." Again Bertholdt turned and finally saw a person right in front of him. A woman, brown hair and classes on her nose. Her eyes were coverd by light reflection of her classes. "Wh-who are you?" Bertholdt felt his voice begin to shake and he took a step back as the female came closer. "My name is Hanji Zoe. Nice to meet you, Bertholdt." How was it possible this person knew him but he couldn't remember her face, her name, or her voice? "How do you.. know my name..?" She laughed and it made him freeze. "You don't remember? I am part of the Survey Corps. As were you my dear boy. Well let me put it this way: you made a colossal mistake." Bertholdt hold his breath and he wanted to move even more backwards when suddenly there was a wall. He looked behind him when there reached arms out of the darkness belonging to two big, strong soldiers. The held him, kept him as he tried to move. When he looked at them he froze again as he couldn't recognize any faces. "Don't be scared my boy." Hanji pulled him out of his shock right into another one as she stood right in front of him. He didn't remember to kneel but suddenly he had to look up to her. And his eyes widened in panic as she looked down at him and he saw the insanity in her eyes. "Wh-what do you want?" His voice was just a whisper, his heart beating so hard he was afraid it would jump out of his chest, his clothes wet from his own sweating and his eyes were hurting from all that frightened staring. Hanji suddenly got down to him and put both of her hands on his cheeks looked right into his eyes. "You've killed so many people, Bertholdt. You forced so many people into war, death, misery. Do you really think we owe you an explanation?" Her voice was so calm and deep and low and it scared him. He was shaking that much, his bones were aching. "I- I am sorry... I know, what I did, was-" Her finger was put on his lips. "Shhh. Don't say that. It wouldn't change anything anymore. But as I said you did enough for us to make you our property to learn from. Just let us begin." And she pulled out an injection from her bag which made Bertholdt tremble even more. He shook his head and wanted to get away but there was this wall and the men holding him. "No! No experiments! Please! Don't! I'm sorry! Please! I'm so sorry!" "No! Stop! Please!", Bertholdt cried out loud twitching and shaking in his sleeping bags. Reiner and Annie awoke slowly from this since they were actually used to Bertholdt's nightmares, after Berik's death. Reiner got to him first started to shake his shoulder gently. As Bertholdt still didn't respond Reiner pushed a little harder. "Hey, get up. Open your eyes, Bertl.", Reiner said first calm than getting louder as he saw it didn't work. "Take him into your arms." "What?" Reiner looked confused towards Annie. But she didn't look like she was making a joke or fun of it. "Take him into your arms. He's not having a bad dream. He's got a panic attack. He has to be hold tight. And I am too small for this." "What makes you think he isn't dreaming?" "His eyes shot open and he is still shaking. C'mon, take him." Reiner scratched his head and moved closer to the sick boy. "Help me with this." Both of them unwrapped him from one of the sleeping bags so Reiner was able to hold Bertholdt like a huge caterpillar between his legs and arms, pressing the tall boy's head against his shoulder, burying his own nose in Bertholdt's longer grown, dark hair. Again he was staring into the fire, ingoring Annie's look at them. "You okay?", she asked all of a sudden and to be honest Reiner never expected concerns from her. Of course he knew she was worrying about her mates but she never showed it. "I don't know.", Reiner sighed heavily and closed his eyes for a sec as he realized Bertholdt had stopped shaking. As Reiner was already thinking the worst he looked down into Bertholdt's face, its relaxed expression. "Bertl..?", Reiner asked, low voice. "Hn...?" Honestly the bulky blonde hadn't even expected an answer. "You have to drink some water. We tried to give you some before but your throat is that dry, it didn't actually work without drowning you. You think you could even swallow some food? Light things of course." "Just let me sleep...", Bertholdt murmured while Annie already had handed Reiner a bowl of water. "Open your mouth." Bertholdt only was able to push his jaw down a few centimeters. His jaw was shaking awfully and it wasn't easy for Reiner to pour the water into Bertl's dry mouth. First it was of no use since Bertholdt didn't swallow on his own and his head looking to the ground, the water flew out faster than it got it. "C'mon, Bertl..." Reiner put down the bowl again and changed Bertholdt's position so his head was laying back now. Now he poured in the water again slowly and at first nothing happened. Until Bertholdt started couging awfully and put one weak hand against the bowl. "Not... not so fast.." "I'm sorry." It took them quite a time to feed that poor body but it didn't take the body much time to spit it all out again. Of course it was light food but Bertholdt's body wasn't used to anything more than a disgusting thick liquid including everything his body needed to at least survive. His stomach wasn't used to fresh food so just a few minutes after Bertholdt had swallow it, he vomited right onto his sleeping bag. While Reiner was going to clean it up a bit at the nearby river Annie took care of the tall, skinny boy. She was just laying ahead of him, her arm under her head. With her second hand she was caressing Bertholdt's hair which was calling for water and soap. While she was caressing his head her eyes kept watching his. His lids were twitsching restless and she was wondering, what he might be dreaming about though she already knew. Fact was he was dreaming which meant -since he was asleep for a while after eating- he was about to wake up soon. Annie knew what these people were able to do. She remembered her time as their prisoner and it made her shiver everytime she thought about it. And she was so thankful, so happy she cried so many tears when Bertholdt and Reiner arrived to get her out, back home. But during their time at home there was not a single moment she could have enjoyed. Too big was the guilt Reiner felt for himself to leave Bertholdt behind. She always knew both of them were close. Of course the three of them were always more close than it looked like and Berholdt always wanted to be with them. He was never seen without Reiner or Annie. Well in the end she got to the Military Police while he and Reiner stayed at the Survey Corps. Anyway Annie knew there was this special bond between Reiner and Bertholdt, especially after their past, watching a close friend been eaten by a titan. It brought them closer than friends can be. Brothers, maybe even more. Annie never understood why Reiner had the patience to look after Bertholdt all the time. The tall, sometimes clumsy boy always hid behind the blonde though he hated that himself. Bertholdt was the Colossal Titan. There was nothing more powerful than him but still Reiner promised to protect his taller friend. And he always had kept that promise. Until then.. Until they wanted to rescue Annie. After that Reiner hadn't slept a single night. He always had a broken mind after destroying Wall Maria filled with regrets and shame and guilt -so did Bertholdt- but Reiner made the mistake of becoming friends with his comrades. They trusted him, they looked up to him, they wanted to be like him. He had been their brother. Bertholdt always worried about him and he had told Annie about this. But in the end Bertholdt's safety had been Reiner's only concern. Even with his arm cut off he stood there right in front of his brother in bond and protected him. So did he as he was -being the Armored Titan- being attacked by all those common titans. All he was worried about, was his friend's safety. By the time Reiner came back Annie had fallen asleep as well. At least it looked like that. So he sat there, watching both of them poking the burning woods with a thin stick. "Thank you..." Reiner snapped out of his thoughts that were actually none and watched over to the pale boy in the sleeping bag. He couldn't help but smile. "You're welcome, Bertl but... " Reiner hold his breath and avoided Bertholdt's look. "But what.. there is no but... I owe you my life and you know what... ?" "What?" "Also my feelings. My body, my mind... they were numb until you showed off..", Bertholdt whispered. "What's that supposed to mean?" Reiner just crawled a little closer. "I mean.. I started to ignore everything.. I.. I gave up my life.. ready, eager.. to die. But then you came and saved me and I felt relief and ... hope." "E-eager.. to die? Bertl what the fuck are you talking about?" Not sure what he just said Bertholdt started trembling again. His eyes became a little red and filled with tears which dropped down as he shut his lids close. "I felt lost, Reiner...", he sobbed with a low voice. "I thought you wouldn't come.. I mean.. not because you wouldn't want but.. because there were things more important than I am.. Our mission. And there was so much pain.. so many hits.. drugs... words... I couldn't take anymore but these people... they wouldn't just kill me... they wanted to see me suffer for the things we've done. And I started to .. no, I.." "Bertl stop it." Reiner reached out of Bertholdt's face wiped the tears from his temple then brushed his fingers gently through the dark dirty hair. "I know we do deserve this, Bertl. But only in their eyes. Being soft doesn't mean being weak. And you are a good guy just on the other side. To me and Annie you mean everything and you know that. So don't you dare ever tell me you are eager to die again." Bertholdt didn't know what to say on that but to keep on sobbing and shedding tears while Reiner pulled his arms under the light body and lifted him into another tight hug. __________ The darker the night fell the closer both men came. It happened that Bertholdt fell asleep again, in Reiner's arms. The blonde then just layed him back onto the ground but when he let go -when he wanted to let go - Bertholdt just dug his fingers into Reiner's sleeve. "Don't leave me.. please. I don't want to be alone." His words caught Reiner. He stared at the man at his knees and had to hold back a heavy sigh. "I.. Nobody is leaving you. Okay I'll stay." With these words Reiner just put his body down next to Bertholdt's and put one arm around his weak friend. They stayed like this for a while until Bertholdt turned around face to face with Reiner. Since the blonde was still awake he watched his friend's lids twitching again and suddenly they shot open again. Bertholdt started panting again which made Reiner decide to pull him even closer. "Shhh...", he whispered. "Everything's alright. Just close your eyes again." But Bertholdt shook his head, weak. "No... I can't... Now that.. that I don't feel like this anymore.. this numb.. I can see them, hear them... How long will this haunt me?", he cried and his once warm dark green eyes were now piercing and making Reiner nervous. "I don't know.", the bulky blonde said, with an honest voice. "I don't know how long you will be like this but Bertl.. You never even recovered from Berik. I guess you will get used to it." Question was how long would Bertholdt be able to bear this. He wasn't ignorant for feelings or memories. No he always wanted to keep them close but this was different now. In Berik's case, Bertholdt had been a coward and he would always call himself that. Though Reiner never blamed him for that. It was just natural. They had been kids. They had been eleven when they destroyed the walls... It wasn't surprising they were traumatized. Reiner realized soon Bertholdt couldn't stop shaking but he was afraid of hurting the fragile body in case he pulled him into an even tighter hug. So he started caressing his head again. "Relax, Bertl. You're with us now, with Annie, with me. No one will hurt you anymore I'll make sure." "You have to be tired...", Bertholdt then whispered and his bloodshot eyes looked up to Reiner again. "Not as long as you are awake. I maybe sleep when Annie is up again, taking care of you." Bertholdt nodded. He didn't need to say how thankful he was. Reiner knew and it felt good to be able to talk without words. He started thinking if this was normal for two guys. Sure they knew each other for a fucking long time and they had been through hell together. But still. Was it natural to feel like this for his best friend? For his protector. "I want to feel alive again..", Bertholdt suddenly whispered when Reiner was already half asleep. He looked at the seventeen year old in his arms and thought of an answer while he watched the tiny clouds coming from Bertholdt's mouth and nose. "Alive?" "Yes... I mean.. I told you I was done with my life but now I know that there is so much I still need to do. Most of my life I was fighting for it but there was only so little time that really was enjoyable. I.. I want to taste all the food in the world. I want to get drunk. I want to go out for dates. I want to be in love. I want to sleep with that person I am in love with." It was too dark to see how much he -and Reiner- were blushing. "I always thought you were in love with Annie?" "What makes you think that?" "I told you. You stare too much." "I am not in love with her.. I mean I do love her but it doesn't feel like I imagine being in love." "And what do you think does it feel like?" Bertholdt kept quiet for a moment. He was thinking. "I think it feels like ... like being able to bear every single flaw the person has. And you always miss this person as soon as they got out of sight. You want to be close no matter what. You want to be with them no matter where. You want to promise everything's possible and you would die for this person. " While talking Bertholdt hadn't realized he started staring into the pair of golden eyes which were staring back. The expression on golden eyes was serious but soft. Bertholdt saw Reiner wouldn't make fun of him. Instead the blonde leaned closer until his forehead was resting on Bertholdt's and closed his eyes. "I am able to bear every single of your flaws. And I always miss you when I can't see you. I want to be close to you no matter what. And I want to be with you no matter where. I will promise everything you ask me to and I would die for you." A sudden pulse was rushing through Bertholdt's body as he realized what this man above him just said. And again his eyes filled with tears. And as he started sobbing Reiner just sealed Bertholdt's lips with his own. It felt just natural. There was nothing wrong about it. And Bertholdt just realized how long he was waiting for this how blind he had been for his own goddamn feelings. Reiner put his hand on Bertholdt's thin cheek and tasted his dry lips. It wasn't as bad as imagined since he finally was able to do so. Still it was horrible that it had to come this far to finally realize how their hearts were feeling. But better later than never. Hosted by Animexx e.V. (http://www.animexx.de)