Bara no Konrei von Flokati (The Vampires' Prelude) ================================================================================ Kapitel 4: Midnight ------------------- To be honest, I had never made myself pretty for anyone. All I had ever done was hiding under as much fabric as I could, just to make sure my gender wasn't visible anymore. I was in a very fashionable bathroom, not comparable to the one I knew from the convent, where I changed out of my robe. There was a nice tub, small windows, two golden candleholers left and right from a oval mirror and nice smell of perfume. I liked it. The dress I had been given fit my shape so well, I was scared by it. Along with it there had also been a choker and gloves in the box. Having finished dressing, I watched myself in the mirror, seeing not the shy nun, but a beautiful woman. I bound my hair up high in a ponytail, letting my blond curled tips fall down on the left and the right and for the first time, I didn't feel entirely uncomfortable with it. I watched myself spinning slowly, the movement of the fabric, the movement of my hair. The princess of a fairytale was ready for her beloved prince to be secretly taken into a night's phantasies. My heart was beating twice as quickly, considering the thought of what the young master would possibly do with me. As far as I had taken notice, neither the lady, nor the master was home and except for the maid, I had seen no one. The other two servants had left for helping down in the village. It just seemed perfect. Alone with him ... Quickly I looked once again in the mirror, checking wether my cheeks just felt red or if the were red, but I was lucky. It took me some more minutes again, until I felt courageous enough to face the young master and the evening with all its possible consequences. But still, I felt a little unsure. The young master was waiting for me in the living room, sitting by the piano. „You look stunning.“ he said and my face felt once more like matching my dress. He got up and came over to me and offered me his arm. „If I may, mylady?“ I nodded. Being so embarrassed by the whole situation I was in, I feared I wouldn't be able to say a single word the entire evening. Having linked my arm in his, I was guided to the group of armchairs and instead of offering me a seat, the young master sat down first, but gesturing that I should sit down on his lap. I hesistared, but sat down. Immediately, I was embraced and my body layed on his. „You're unsure ...“ he whispered in a dark voice, placing a soft kiss on my forehead. „Sir, I -“ „Kouji. There is no use of formalities anymore.“ I swallowed. „Kouji ... I don't think this is the right place to ...“ „Nobody is here, nobody will be here. It's just you and me.“ If this was good or bad, I couldn't tell, although I knew it already. He could cope with love so easily and I was cramped, mentally and physically. Would he still want me, once he knew the truth? „Do you like to dance?“ he asked suddenly. „Dance?“ „Yes. Unfortunately, there's nobody to play music, but it works without as well.“ „Dance without music?“ „Why not? Can you dance?“ he asked. I shook my head. I had learned how to play the pipe organ a little and even how to sing, although I avoided it as much as I could. But never I had had any dance lessons. Nuns weren't supposed to dance. „It's easy, I could teach you a walz.“ he said, slapping softly my hip, the sign for me to get up again. I didn't like being pushed around like this and for that, remained by his side instead of raising. He simply chuckled. „Maybe later then, hm?“ We sat there a long time, barely talking, just exchanging affectionate gestures and kisses. The world around us was of no importance anymore, all that mattered was the need to know the other close by. My fear became lesser the longer it continued. At some point, even for myself my gender was reduced to a blurry picture. I knew, if this became to intensive, I would inevitably give myself away, but I didn't fully realise the danger, even though it was closer than any time before. I enjoyed the feeling of being desired and seduced, melting in the night's secure black velvet. Kouji held me tightly, caressing my back, my arm, my cheeks ... I was so absorbed in the attraction of the game, I became courageous enough to open my mouth and allow him to invade with his tongue and taste, not only crossing, but exploring what there was to be found beyond the forbidden border of lips. It could lead to anything now... We were interrupted by the sound of the heavy entrance door. By the emerge of the sound I reflexingly rushed in the air, away from Koujis lap, looking alarmed from where the sound had come. Kouji instead seemed quite relaxed. „It's probably just my mother.“ he said, but that didn't quite convince me not be anxious. He got up of the armchair as well, walking through the room to the door, peeking in the corridor outside. I felt so cold with his warmth gone. I heard the voice of the lady and just some seconds later, she entered the living room, let in by her son. „I have a visitor, mother.“ Kouji explained. I, on the contrary, felt like an open book, I feared she could read everything in my face what Kouji and I had been doing until a barely some minutes ago. „Do you recognize the lady?“ he added cheekily and winked. „It can't be ...?“ the lady looked quite disbelievingly. „I told you she'd be perfect for that dress.“ „Sister Mana ...?“ she asked shyly and I confirmed her assumption with a slight nod and the same shyness. „No!... I am speechless.“ I was fluttered by her words and embarrassed. The lady came closer again. „I can't say how incredible you look! This is so amazing!“ „Mother, you'll make her blush.“ „Sister ... Lady Mana, I have a request.“ she addressed me. I was called a lady ... „I would ask you to let me paint a portrait of you. Just like this. I want to ban your beauty on a canvas.“ „Mylady ... an honour ...“ It was all I could say. Kouji came over to my side. „Speechless, lady Mana?“ he tried to annoy me with a smile on his lips. I nodded. Now it was the lady's turn to chuckle. „You've made a perfect match.“ „I beg your pardon?“ I asked surprised, adressing the lady. „Mana, I forgot to tell ... my mother, well, she knows about us.“ „What?!“ Now I was defintely speechless. And I felt betrayed, to say the least. „Please, forgive him.“ the lady told me in a soft voice. „He's my son ... I know him snce his birth. It was not difficult for me to guess that he seemed to have fallen in love rather unhappily about a week ago, maybe.“ „My mother kept bugging me with it.“ Kouji continued to explainin a soft vioce. „The day after your sister's death, she confronted me directly with her suspect and I admitted she was right. But you can trust my mother. She will never let anyone know, I swear it.“ I was anything else than convinced. „Why didn't you tell me?“ I said though clenched teeth, not hiding my displease. „When should I have done?“ Kouji tried to defend himself. „What about after I entered this house?“ I backfired with angry eyes. Who did he think he was to tell someone that I was having an affair with him, no matter if it was a friend, a relative or anybody else. I was risking everything with it, for me this was nothing I could take that easily. „Please, don't argue.“ the lady tried worriesomely. „Lady Mana, I know what this means for you. It must be difficult for you and by all my faith in God, I would never betray the woman my son has fallen in love with. Please, don't be angry with him. If you want, be angry with me.“ „We better discuss this in my room, Mana.“ Kouji said to me, looking guilty. „Discuss what, we have nothing to discuss or is there still something I don't know about yet?“ My anger did not flow away. Why had he done this to me? „Mana, please ... let me talk to you upstairs.“ he tried again. I stared for a little time at him, then: „Fine.“ Whatever he was going to tell me, I doubted it would make less angry. I followed him to the second floor, along a wide corridor, full with paintings, but this time there were no landscapes but all sorts of portraits of different people. I was surprised to see not only noble looking people but also children, an elderly couple, a young boy in hospital with a broken leg and a young woman with a beautiful, yet dirty face and who looked like a whore. „My mother has a good heart.“ Kouji told me, seeing I stopped by the portrait of the whore. „She has protraited all these different people and even more, if someone's portrait is sold, she gives the money to them.“ „I didn't know ...“ I answered, fascinated by the portrait. The woman had a very self-confident pose, making no big deal of what she was, she showed it openly and yet, her eyes told all the disgrace and pain she had gone through. It was simply amazing to notice all those emotions and to catch them so vividly as the lady could. „That woman was called Eliza.“ Kouji told me. „A very strong personality.“ „A whore ...“ „Yes. She had pride, although she had to do such an unthankful job.“ „She had...?“ „We never knew what happenend to her. Someday, she was gone. She always talked about breaking the chains and becoming free.“ „You have talked a lot to her ...“ „I was 16, just a boy. I was with my mother when she painted her.“ „And after?“ I asked. „It doesn't matter.“ He took my hand and looked me in the eyes. „You're here now, isn't it enough?“ I didn't reply, I was still angry. „Come on“ After we entered Kouji's room, I took a seat on the chaise longue and he joined me. I refused to look at him directly, so I let my eyes travel through the room. Kouji's room was just looking comfortable and welcoming. „Mana ... I'm sorry, but what do you blame me for?“ Kouji finally took the word. „When I came home from the council, I was heartbroken. You had sent me away, I couldn't know I would be lucky in the end ... so I told my mother.“ He was right. I had said we would not meet again and he had every reason to feel hurt, just as I had done. „But that doesn't explain why she knows we're in a relationship.“ „I asked her for help.“ My eyes narrowed and focused on a leg of the table opposite to us. „She wasn't in the church by chance to paint the windows. We hoped to get to see you sometime. Please forgive, I got worried about you, because I didn't see you in town after that day.“ He laid his head on my shoulder, cuddling. „I love you ...“ he whispered and kissed my neck. Stubbornly, I got up. „Kouji, I'll lose everything with this.“ He just stared after me, as I walked to the balcony door, gazing outside in the wide black. „I'll even lose you.“ I said and crossed my arms tightly around my body. „What are you saying? Why should you lose me, I'm here!“ he protested. „Because I'm a liar. What you see is not what I am ... You've fallen in love with a lie ...“ I was going to tell him. I could not be foolish enough to make myself believe he would ever love me once he had found out. I wasn't strong, I did hide myself, afraid of humans, guided by the fear the truth caused. My heart was pierced with pain, and pieces seemed to break out of it every second I stood longer there. „What are you talking about...?“ he asked me confusedly. I heard him getting up. I turned to face him. My hands still clenched in my arms, the words were so simple and yet I did not know how to tell him. Lowing my head, I closed my eyes. It would not only be my heart scattered into fragments by the end of this. His would lay right next to it, for he had confessed already that he loved me. When I opened me eyes again, his face was only centimeters away from mine, I could feel his breath and it laced my throat. „You're saying you're not what I believe to see ... then I wonder what you think I am seeing.“ he said in a soothing voice, sliding his hands up and down my shoulders gently. „Let me tell you, then.“ He breathed in and out heavily, avoiding my eyes. „What I see is a beautiful and good-hearted person, shy, but lovely. Preferring to hide to avoid troubles, but reliable and faithful. But i think it#s not me, who you're not honest to.You are not honest to yourself, Mana.“ He paused a moment. I was glad he was holding me, I was so sick in my mind, in my heart. „You have a reason to be dishonest to yourself, Mana ... you're a man.“ I breathed in sharply and closed my eyes. He knew it. He had known it all the time. „Tell me the truth, Mana ... are you?“ he whispered to me, a little impatiently. When had I made the mistake and revealed it? I was paying attention constantly ... „Mana ...?“ he asked once more, sounding worried, maybe he thought he pushed me too much. But I bit my lip and nodded, I had been up to tell him anyway ... he would never look at me again. What would he think? A man who disguised himself as a woman. A man who even had become a nun. And a man, who had fallen in love with another ... He would not forgive me ... and God wouldn't, either. „Please, don't hate me ...“ I said, my voice trembling. I fought with tears. „I didn't intend to deceive you ...“ „Hate you ...“ he repeated, but instead of pushing me away, I was captured by his arms again, held tightly and cheek to cheek with him. „I could never hate you ...“ „How do you know?“ I asked. I had to know. If others had noticed it as well ... „Many little things.“ he told me and my heart sank. I clinged to him stronger than I did anyway and he did as well, noticing how much I was affected by it. „Your hands ... I saw them only once without gloves. It was the day we met first. Small, pretty, but no woman's hands. Of course, I didn't waste a thought on you being a man right away, but I remembered them.“ I nodded against his chest. „Then your voice. It's not unusual that some women have deep voices, too, but-“ „I hate my voice.“ I interrupted him. It was the only thing I could not veil entirely and that I had to use everyday again. Kouji kissed my cheek compassionately. „It doesn't matter. You have a pleasant voice.“ He was so nice ... I did not want to let him go after this would be over. Was love always so painful? I don't even know now. Our love was doomed before it began, all we had was one night. One night and not even that, it was after midnight when the nightmare broke loose and that we were drowning in the blood-red sea of hell. Kouji let me know that despite of the sound of my voice and my unfeminine hands there would have been one reason, he simply could not have missed for having embraced me so many times until then: I had no breasts. I had not wasted a thought on how flat my chest was, I had always worried more because of what there was to be found between my legs. He looked at me after he told me, seeing my puzzled face because of my sheepishness and laughed slighlty, kissing me several times playfully and I only became more irritated. Putting my hand between our mouths I made him stop. „What ...?“ he wanted to know, apparently not seeing were my problem with this was. „Aren't you shocked?“ He laughed more. „Mana, didn't you listen? I admit I was never sure if you really were a man or if my phantasy played tricks on me, but since we embraced the first time, I was expecting it. I felt a little awkward about it, yes, but by the time I realised I had fallen in love with you nevertheless, what should I have done? It's just happened, and I don't regret it. I want to be with you.“ I couldn't believe what I had heard him say. How could this be? Didn't he think I was mad? „Sorry ...“ I mumbled. „I just can't understand why you still want me ...“ „Why shouldn't I want you anymore?“ he posed the question, but he answered to question for us both. „This is not about rules, moral or laws, Mana. It's only about the feeling of love two people, like us, share. I don't know why you decided to live the life of a nun, but I'm sure you had your reasons ...“ „Does your mother know that, too?“ I asked bitterly. „You being a man? No, she's too obsessed by the idea of having a daughter-in-law soon, I won't crash her hopes. And most of all, I won't put you in danger, never.“ A piece broke from the lumb in my throat, at least my biggest secret was safe. Only he and me would know ... „Have you ever thought of it?“ „Thought of what?“ „Quitting your life as a nun.“ I had not. But then, I never had a reason to do so. Being a nun was the safest profession out there for me and I had always wished to be a good child, until one day I realised I would never be one and then decided to become a nun to make up for the sin I was commiting. But was I really making up or just calming my conscience by it? Or was it the society, that made me feel like a sinner, sentenced guilty and being sent to hell after my death? I was confused, maybe the newly gained felings caused the troubles and my faith did not seem as strong as before. I had given in to easily; here I was, being told I would be honestly loved by a man and appreciating it, although it would cost our both lives if truth one day came to light for having broken my vow to God. Kouji was stroking my back slowly up and down, the silky fabric tickling my skin a little. Enjoying the sensation, I shut my eyes, wishing that for this evening I would have to think anymore. I answered his affection, embracing him willingly, offering more access to kiss my neck. His grip was getting stronger and I was lifted just a few centimeters from the ground, carried to his bed were he layed me down. I sank into the soft blankets and pillows as much as in his touches, his kisses and his love. Continuing what we had been doing in the living room before, I was soon confronted with the feeling of lust, whiping reason away. I shivered in anticipation to feel, to taste, to love and Kouji gave it all to me and I let myself fall, becoming his with body and soul. Hosted by Animexx e.V. (http://www.animexx.de)